For Men Only: Keeping Her Satisfied!

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Amy and I celebrated 23 years of marriage yesterday! We got married the day after an ice storm, in a church with no power, no heat and a stretch limo that did a donut in the church parking lot. I ran into a TV news crew at a local convenience store and they followed me to our wedding — we were Live @ Five and it really added something special to the day. Reminiscing on the lessons I’ve learned from that start to where I’ve come, I offer a Top Ten List on Satisfying Your Wife!

10. Learn How to Cook Something, Anything!

One day early in our marriage, I found myself in the bathroom after forgetting to bring reading material with me. The only thing available — Better Homes and Gardens magazine. I flipped through the pages and stumbled upon a delicious recipe for chicken pot pie. I read through the instructions and thought I can do this…             … and do this I did! The response I got when Amy arrived home from work told me I was on to something special. The waves of euphoria she experienced with each bite told me “dessert” was going to be on her! I’ve been cooking at least one meal every week since!

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9. Learn How to Fix Things

Things are going to break and they break at the worst times – Holidays, middle of the night, birthdays etc! Invest in a good handyman book and keep it handy for these moments. Men no longer get to ride off on trusted steeds to slay the dragons in the Black Woods but this ability comes close. Added tip: try to get yourself as filthy as possible in these moments as it adds to the reward you’re likely to receive!

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8. Handle the Boy Stuff…

Those of you men with sons need to handle the things that come with fathering boys. The “private” body talks, the mad attempts to unwittingly kill themselves, the creatures they claim as pets all need your intervention and guidance. You’ve thought like them, you’ve acted like them, you’ve been (are) them so don’t leave this task to the amateurs!

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7. …but be Man Enough to Handle the Girl Stuff

Those of you men blessed with daughters need to prepare for every stage of their lives. Pre-planning allows you to be a partner with your partner when it comes to the complex task of raising girls to womanhood. Relationships, menstruation, fashion, boys, empowerment, emotions, social media are just a few of the topics in which to hone one’s knowledge (sometimes those subjects might come up in one conversation). You may also need to use words you never thought you would like hizzy, totes, legit and feels.  NOTE: I’m some what of an expert in employing such phrases and I am happy to help other men less skilled than I; just e-mail me and I’ll translate for you!

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6. Don’t Attempt to Solve Every Problem

As a young husband I assumed everything my wife presented to me  as a worry was done so that I might provide my Solomonic advice. WRONG!!! Sometimes your spouse just needs a pop-off, a release or a sounding board. Keep quiet, maintain appropriate eye contact and nod appropriately (i.e. agreeing with your beloved). If you hear the phrase, “What do you think?” at the end of a rant then pause, think (>15 seconds) then respond. If you disagree with your wife’s opinion then, in this moment, you are 100% wrong. You do not possess the cogent ability to match your wife’s need. It will take hours, and probably days, to begin broaching a valid response! Young men please take this advice!

5. Make Her Laugh

A sense of humor covers a multitude of sins. Amy and I share about 1001 inside jokes mostly created by me. This intimate Ultimate Joke Book is a place I turn to often in the more stressful times. I’d tell you one but you’re not on the inside — you wouldn’t understand so come up with your own! They’re worth their weight in gold!

4. Do Small Things that Say Big Things

Remember the adventure of winning your wife’s heart? You were a total geek, awkward as an aardvark with the grooming habits of a chimp. She, on the other hand, glowed rainbows, made you breathless and spoke with the wisdom of Athena. Brother, some how you upped your game and got this goddess to marry you — Don’t blow it! Opening a door, leaving a Lindt chocolate truffle on her pillow or putting together a playlist of songs that remind you of her are little efforts that confirm:

  1. I think about you
  2. I love you
  3. I want to ensure you know 1 & 2
3. Presence Always Beats Presents

Buying things is overrated — it’s just stuff! Giving the gift of your time and attention is always more valuable. This takes discipline and commitment (which is what gives it value!) — Do it! Put that smartphone down, turn off the game and, for your wife’s sake, stop playing those video games and spoon into the one you love. You’ll get something way more rewarding than high score brags! I guarantee it!

2. Know Who IS the Most Important Member of Your Family

Hints: It is not your future Hall of Fame son Johnny. It is not your little princess daughter Chloe and it IS certainly NOT your Mommy!!!!

IT IS YOUR WIFE you big dummy!

Failing to grasp this is detrimental to your life. No wife = No family, No wife = No love, No wife = No you because let’s face it guys, we weren’t much until that piece of total fineness said “I DO”.

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1. The Best Position for Scoring Big

Get your mind out of the gutter and get your knees on the ground — I’m talking about praying! Like I’ve already pointed out, something Divine happened to get you your bride. Prayer is an essential need. You cannot do all that is asked of you – Husband, father, son, friend, worker etc. without some heavenly guidance. The sooner you cry “Uncle” on this point the sooner your wife will have the husband she deserves!

I’d be remiss, in closing, not to mention how much I love, appreciate, desire and adore my Amy. The 25 years of knowing her provide me with the most unexpected and undeserved life. She is truly worth every endeavor to continually win. My only hope is that I’m only  about a third of the way into our years together.

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3 thoughts on “For Men Only: Keeping Her Satisfied!

  1. Pingback: The Gift of Mom | Dad Just Happened!

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